This part of my life is something that is worthy of more than one insta post. It’s massive, beyond all understanding. It was entirely unexpected and triggered a whole host of wild emotions. Elation, total pure joy, disbelief, fear.
Remission was unexpected. I remember being told that the cancer was incurable and asking if remission was a possibility. My oncologist told me that it wasn’t, the term remission was usually held for cancers like leukaemia, not cervical. It was then she told me that the cancer was “life shortening” (her exact words) and she progressed to give me 5 years left to live.
That moment is one that will be forever ingrained in my memory, It’s the sort of thing that is impossible to leave behind. I remember that moment as though it happened a few minutes ago, I can play it over and over as though it were a YouTube vlog.
Since that appointment, since that moment so much has happened, a major surgery, seven cycles of aggressive chemotherapy, two hospice stays, and goodness knows how many doses of opiates and various pain killing remedies.
But now, aside from five weeks worth of radiotherapy just to “make sure” they “got it all”, I am in remission.
Let’s be totally clear, this is not a cure. I am not cured, I am not considered to be “cancer free”. That means at some point it will come back. That point could be next week or it could be 50 years from now, but it is a point. At some point it will return and I will have to go head to head with cancer again. I will fight for my life again.
Don’t get me wrong, I plan to enjoy every cancer free moment I have. I plan to recover and enjoy my children. To try and have a marriage that is more than hospital trips and painkiller reminders. To have time with my family – my parents, my brothers, my nieces. To build memories with them all.
I may have won this round, but I haven’t won the fight – not just yet anyway.
Remission. It’s definitely a beautifully terrifying place to be. But I wouldn’t be anywhere else.