I am pretty sure I never intended this blog to become what it’s going to be, but fuck it.
That tends to be my general view these days. If having the big “CC” has taught me anything, it’s that life is too damned short for wasting it wondering if you should or shouldn’t do something. I am doing a lot more things these days than I would have before.
But the hardest thing about living with this hideous disease is how hard it has made being a mum.
I’ve become useless, I couldn’t tell you a lot of things I would have been able to just rattle off before. Things like, how much milk the baby is drinking, whether or not the eldest washed her hair last night.
I haven’t been able to do school runs, cook dinners or even really keep track of what they are eating. I can’t really play as much as I’d like either (if at all).
All of this is because, I’m a mum with cervical cancer. I am going through heavy doses of chemotherapy and trying my best to cope, but last night I had to give the baby a bottle and I sobbed because it hurt like hell to do it. Emotionally it was so lovely and normal, but physically really damned hurt.
I’m on a lot of heavy medication, I fall asleep a lot and I’m never in sole charge of the children anymore because of that.
I’ve gone from being a mum, hair up in a mum bun jeans and tee-shirt on to bald and in my dressing gown most of the time. I never thought I’d miss the school run, previously waiting for half terms just for a break from it but I do.
The way it’s affected my ability to be mummy has hit me so hard, it makes me feel useless, and I feel like I’ve got this little void now where all those things used to be. My family have all been incredible and they always ask me what to do or not to do, but half the time I cannot answer the question and tell them to ask my husband (who has been beyond incredible).
Cancer doesn’t just hit the patient, it drastically affects and alters the lives of the loved ones surrounding them. It means that my parents are back caring for me, that my kids spend most of their time being shipped off to school/nursery or grandparents because I just need the rest. That my father in law now incorporates a nursery run and dinner/bedtime routine into his day. That my mother in law does school runs and weekend day care. We are all exhausted. We are all suffering.
But, we are also lucky. We are lucky to have each other, to have incredible friends who have done some incredible things for us. I have actually never felt more loved and supported than I do now. It’s a bit of a shame I’ve allowed such crippling anxiety to stop me from realising all these things until now.
Well, it’s been a bit of a first actual post really hasn’t it. A bit deep and what not, but this is it. This is my reality for the time being. So here’s my opener, but I don’t plan for this blog to just be posts about cancer, I hope to make it my entire journey through life, with the kids and my husband, my family and friends. And trust me, cancer is just a very small part of what I plan .